i was told, " if u dont voice out wad u want, nobody will know wad exactly u wan."
well, i know i hav difficulty in expressing myself.. so i jus either blog online, unpublished that is, or write in my diary.. or lock it away somewhere on my mind. mayb the best way for me to express myself is by crying?? hurhur. it doesnt help at all.. i know. the prob is still there, nothing is solved by crying. but tts jiayun.
i realised most of the times.. when i provide a listening ear n give advices..wad i console others is wad i cant apply on myself. its when ur mind tell u,
"hey! u SHLD b doing this! this IS the correct way!!"
den the heart says,
"nono..kp doing that, cos tts how u FEEL"
(errs.. am i making sense?)
but anyways.. heart or mind, ppl? rational versus emotional?? who wins? for guys, rationality will always b at the upperhand eh? so, girls.. stop being so emotional. o.O
kays.. its like 4.10am now. messed up thots.
no, i dont refer myself to as a rubbish bin when my frens approached me when they hav probs.
yes, i'm selfish.
yes, i'm trying hard to run away frm my probs.
yes, coke is alr banned. i'll start looking for other brands.
yes, i need money now.
yes, i'll try hard to tink positive.
no, i still cannot voice out wad i wan.
yes, i reli feel unappreciated n unwelcomed n being stupid though u reli dont care much.
...
...
...
tonight.
i steal from san san's blog againz. Bleahz. but actually she shared wif me this poem like months ago along wif a letter.. which brought me to tears n scared-ed my roomie at tt time..hurhur. i thot i'll share it too. =)
Tonight...
Tonight will be the last night .....
The last night I will relive our last time together....
Tonight will be the last night that I beg God to send you back to me....
The last night that I will criticize myself for not being what you wanted....
Tonight will be the last night that I wonder how you are...
what you are doing and who you are with......
The last night I will torment myself of thoughts of you in another's arms....
Tonight will be the last night I wonder why you are unable to love me....
The last night that I will think of myself as "unlovable."
Tonight will be the last time I cry like a wounded animal till I fall asleep....
The last night that I toss and turn with thoughts of you....
Tonight I will free myself of you...
YOU who turned and walked away without so much as a glance....
Tonight I let you go....
tonight. i hope.
mumbling on
Tuesday, July 18, 2006 at 2:34 AM
photos only.
thanks esther for sending me the pics... now i can upload!!!
but then.. it didnt turn out to b v nice.. =(
obviously the pretty princess is the bday ger.. n tt piece of cloth on me..hmm.. wad u tink?

okays.. tts me wif captain wellington. he was the best dressed of the night, reli deserve it huh.. pardon my messy hair n tt big stupid smile i put on when i hav a gun pointing at me. -.- highlight of the pic is him.. not me.
softball peeps i met tt day... we did a 'hit-score, hit-score, hit-score" wif those cups of champagne.. a long time since tt phrase is heard.
tts all~
out of town pls...
we thot the cheese fondue was as nice as it smelled n as good as it looked...

well, this cheese fondue was a complimentary for uob (oub?) customers.. we had it at spaghetties.. erms.. n its not nice at all!!! i didnt try any cheese fondue b4.. so this was my first time. nevertheless, i thot it shld hav a cheesy taste.. but somehow it tasted more of bitter.. hmm i thot the chef cld hav added wine? though it tasted more like beer to me.. o.O tink i'll jus stick to choco fondue.. =D
anywayss.. tt was like our last meetup for lunch wif van.. since she'll b gg china for attachment. wont b seeing her til december. n i jus met her online!! looks like there's more for her to adapt.. it's always difficult being in an unfamiliar place.. wif ppl tt u dunno at all n building ur social network frm scratch.. aWww.. n there's no network connection in her hostel.. how sads~ i tink i cant survive..
but i want to to go off singapore for awhile too.. be it holiday or studies or attachment.. i tink there will b a lot more to experience.. a lot more to appreciate n open up my mind.. rather than being cooped up in my narrow little world. i'm so free these few weeks tt my life was so BORING.. not that i dont like it.. long breaks like this is so much coveted for when exams r round the corner. so i shall shut up abt how mundane my life is now. ANYWAYS.. i looked into the criteria for GIP (global immersion programme) through the ntu email.. it says there "selection based on academic performance" o.O hoho~ n there goes my chance eh? i dunno why suddenly i reli feel like leaving sg n do something out of town.. mayb go for some youth expedition n help some poor countries build a school.. muahahaha~ u tink i'm crazy eh?
*screams*
mumbling on
Friday, July 14, 2006 at 9:55 PM
charm's bday!!!
it was charmaine's 21st birthday!!!
happy bday my dear~
olrights her theme for the night was costume party.. so i bot this big piece of cloth n did some wraparound.. n tadah~!! okies i'm not as creative as u tink i am.. its the shop owner tt taught me how to wear it.. but anyways.. it was reli difficult to put it off.. having excess cloth here n there wif my not-so-perfect figure, so i safety pinned from top to bottom.. tink there r at least 10 pins around my body..fearing being poke at anytime of the night. hmm.. the party turned out to b quite a success for the bday ger~ everyone was dressed up.. n i mean dressed up. From magicians to pocahontas to captain jack. ahaha~ u noe tt captain jack sparrow frm pirates of caribbean? n tts Wellington!! =x o manz.. met quite abit of softballers too.. erms well, it was okays. >.<
celebrating 21 years of age is sth significant.. though many will say tt, "well, its jus one of the birthdays" or "y muz celebrate when u know tt u r turning OLDER" or blah blah blah.. i dunnos.. sometimes i tink likewise too. but having been to 2 birthday parties, i saw how everyone came wif their best wishes for the bday girl. cos many different groups of frens will b attending, it'll b difficult to play a good host n many times, frens muz b able to entertain among themselves. i mean.. that's a time for catchups too. oOooh.. i wanna plan a chalet or sth too!!! but place, food, theme.. so many stuffs to organise!!! n i'm indecisive n fickle-minded! suggestions anyone? o.O
i really wan to post up some photos.. but den its all on esther's camera..
lets wait for her.. o.O
mumbling on
Sunday, July 09, 2006 at 3:30 PM
pls cherish..
i wonder how 'life' means to everyone..do they feel the significance in living or do they loathe their presence on earth???
shrugs.. i feel damn shit angry when ppl take their own life.. wld it solve the problem? well, mayb in a way.. but he's definitely selfish in leaving all frens n families bhind..
why...???
i dunnos.. i cant say the person's involved.. n i dunno how to console to make her feel better..
i'm quite lost actually..
pls cherish the ppl ard u..cos there will b no time for regrets when tt person is no longer there..
mumbling on
Saturday, July 01, 2006 at 2:14 PM